Earlier , I caught a glimpse of this insecure younger girl I had hoped not to see again. I came face to face with her at the most inopportune time. Now before I go on to tell you what happened to make me feel this way, I must say that in life we do things and not even realize how it affects others and I'm hoping it wasn't intentional.
So I went to an event and being the people watcher I am I started to notice a few things. Pictures were being taken of the event and the fab people that were there. However, I noticed a somewhat separation of the classes, body type classes to be exact. I realized that my picture was never taken despite standing less than a foot away from the photographer many times. Not wanting to overreact or sound like a b-word, I did ask a friend of mine to observe and confirm or deny whether I was just over analyzing things.We both stood there observed and she agreed with me. There was an evident favoritism to take pictures of the skinnier persuasion.
Now this may touch a nerve, this being such a small city and all and everyone knows everyone. Like I said before, we ALL do things and don't realize how they affect others. I'm sorry that I have to post this and perhaps out you, my intention is not to but it's to share with my curvy girls something that perhaps a lot of us go through at some point but never really acknowledged.
But yeah, I hate how I felt, gosh. I immediately felt like I was back to the period 2005 to 2007, when all I did was fuss about my image. I had no self-love only because I was searching for it in the wrong places, hoping someone else would show me my beauty. Every emotion flooded back in, questioning every love handle on my body, wondering when people saw me if they thought I was beautiful, wondering if people who didn't know me noticed how broken I was, or had I been successful at fooling them. I wondered if people looked at me and asked themselves what happened to me to get me to this size. I was made to question my worthiness during that event. Am I not worthy?
For most of my life I never felt beautiful. I had this small head and neck with big lips and was taller than most of the boys. Growing up with 4 brothers in the household made me into a guy's girl. I did every sport I could do, and have always felt in my element when hanging with guys.
As I type this, I'm in tears at this forceful mental re-playing of all that bullpoop that I put myself through and yet I am finding myself knocking some sense back into my head. This is not who I am anymore. I haven't been that person in years now. Maybe I needed that little flashback just to show me how far I have come. I could go on but I will abruptly end it here as I now feel like doing a photo shoot. HA!
walking with a sway in my hips.
The Curvy Geek
Posted by Mo at 12:49 PM